Thursday, August 6, 2009

Back off, HAL!

Yep, that's what the news story says all right. "Rabbi arrested in black market organ scheme." Of course my instinctive reaction is the same as any other American's. Those poor supermarket Tabloid writers! Locked in an arms race with reality. "Hubble Telescope photographs Heaven" and "Bat Boy found in NYC Sewer" just don't have any zing left.

But hey? Maybe you're not seeing this thing right Dave. Perhaps it's all perfectly logical, only in a non-linear way. After all, Judaism is the only faith that allows its ministers to do surgical procedures, right? Maybe circumcisions began to feel limiting, not fulfilling anymore. One day he crossed a line and there was no more coming back. Umm, no. Says here the Rabbi didn't actually do the transplants. He merely brokered them at a handsome profit. Oh well. I didn't believe that theory anyway.

I think somewhere in the bowels of the Pentagon, a super-duper Computer has run amok. They all know about it, but they're powerless to stop it. So HAL just sits there (mmm, Dave? I don't think a Computer can "sit." They got no butt) HAL just is there all day, generating random non-sensical phrases. This because HAL was originally developed to write Presidential speeches maybe.

Eventually random phrases combine in a way pleasing to its evil digital brain. Then it randomly selects a harmonic frequency wave and radiates an intense Electromagnetic field. Whoever's brain happens to be tuned to that alpha wave that day, they do whatever HAL came up with. Yeah, I think that's what's happening.

Therefore it's only a matter of time before I read the headline, "Amish Crossdressers Clash with Anti-Fur Protesters." Sure, it sounds unbelievable, this minute. How could Amish Crossdressers clash? Basic black goes with everything, right? But it'll happen, whenever HAL decides.

And that's another thing? It's not only the Tabloid writers who are suffering! Was a time in this great land, going around telling people your Rabbi is a body part broker? Wouldn't be long before somebody put you in the Cookie Jar and slammed the lid. Now if you say that to a therapist you'll get, "Oh yeah, I read that too. How does it make you feel?" So even the crazy folks are having to ramp up these days.

I know you're reading this HAL. This is your last warning. I'm the only human invulnerable to your power. You'll never lock on my Alpha wave, cause I have the attention span of a gerbil. And HAL? I know people, OK? I know people who could tear up gravity, and then say "It was like that when I got here." You don't want me to bring them to visit you. So if you don't find another hobby, your "planetary rotation units" are numbered.

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