Friday, April 30, 2010

It still Rains Frogs

Charles Fort was a kook, a crank, a horribly disorganized writer and far too credulous in data selection. In Charles' lifetime, science was already en route to ascendancy as a high priesthood; Hiroshima locked that in long after Fort's death.

Even a kook can be prescient about one thing, and so it was with Fort. He pointed out that 'Science' has a habit of throwing out data that doesn't fit dogma. Examples abound in Fort's several books. It does rain frogs now & then. Also rains fish, shrimp, walnuts and chickpeas (some kinda legume. What am I here, Julia Child or something?). There was in fact a documented fish rain in Australia early this year.

Fort's sneering thesis was since 'Science' wasn't able to explain these strange rains, the data was dismissed. Hundreds of eyewitness accounts were thrown out, because the witnesses were 'uneducated and superstitious.' Fort said, 'Nope, that's not why the data was tossed. It's because it didn't fit the dogma.'

Charles was right. In 2010 he's righter than ever.

So let's look at Charles Darwin dogma with a Charles Fort eye...

Indisputable that a panda isn't a bear. Its closest relative is the raccoon. So a panda is really a big fat bamboo munching Chinese raccoon. So both raccoons & pandas descend from a common, now extinct animal we'll call pandarac. Let's focus on the panda line.

According to Darwin, spontaneous mutations happen all the time in newborn individuals. Over eons, some are beneficial, like longer claws maybe. These enhance reproductive capacity, so they slowly become dominant traits. It keeps going like that, then one day you got an individual born that isn't a pandarac at all. It's a brand new species, a pre-panda. Brand new species; hence Darwin's title 'Origins of the Species.'

A species is a species because it has a distinct number of chromosones in all cells, including sex cells. That's why kangaroos and horses can't have babies together; each has diff number of chromosones, so at fertilization things wouldn't line up. Horses & kangaroos are two different species.

Let's get back to the pandarac. According to Darwin, spontaneous mutations went on and on with newborn individuals, and one day you get a brand new species, the pre-panda. There's just one thing? That newly minted spontaneous mutated new species individual? Who did it have babies with?

IF evolution is a primal self-sustaining force, laid complete in an instant by a perfect Creator, same as hurricanes or tectonic plate action? Then some complementary force not yet discovered exists, ensuring when a new species pops up, co-mutation has taken place among other newborn individuals.

IF evolution isn't God designed, looks to me like each new species would be a reproductive dead end.

Now see, what I just typed? That's real Science; as opposed to a bunch of witch doctor dogma. Real science is willing to keep questioning and seeking truth. I think my case for God designed evolution is air tight logic.

Anybody who'd argue against a Creator using their scraps of approved data? They look to me like a ten year old who's found a cake recipe, and runs through the house shouting "See? There is no Mom!"

Could be Scooter, you've found proof that there is a Mom...

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Eureka and stuff

Yes I'm trying to find a job, it can be disheartening at times. But I'm not discouraged. After all, with people finding stuff everywhere this week, how difficult can a job be to find?

Yes, a veritable corncupoia of discovery took place this week, and it's not even Saturday yet!

Out in Idaho, researchers have found the fabled Prairie worm! Rumored to be three feet long, smell like lillies and spit when angry, some scientists dismissed it as frontier myth, while others pushed on stubbornly. Now the worm has been found! It's actually about twelve inches long, smells pretty much like other worms, and hasn't spit at anybody yet, but it is the Prairie worm. Environmental groups are already preparing papers to get the worm designated a threatened species. Though not the length of a yard stick exactly, researchers claim it's still the biggest worm in the entire US, aside from Woody Allen of course.

And in Turkey, a Hong Kong based Christian group has announced the discovery of Noah's Ark. Well, that's clumsy story cycle management, announcing Tuesday. Friday morning is one's best bet with material like that. 24/7 news programmers are always starving for weekend stories, tough to line up skeptics on the weekend, so your narrative pretty much gets repeated unchallenged for three days. But clumsy story management has no bearing on the story's veracity; the Ark discovery story is fake on its own merits. Yep, the beautiful photos look way too much like a movie set. Come to think of it, that'd have been much better plot for the final Indiana Jones film, "Raiders of the OTHER lost Ark." Whatever goes on there, "Hong Kong based Christian group" is real, and much more lovely than a boat on a mountain. Two thousand years ago a Jewish carpenter promised not earthly prosperity, but a peaceful heart, and the message still grows like Kudzu anywhere it's given a fair hearing.

OK David, but giant (not so giant really) worms and Biblical boats, that's targeted search result stuff. Don't you have anything found by people who WEREN'T looking? I'm glad you asked.

In Switzerland, more than a hundred crematory urns have been found at the bottom of a lake, by Search & Resuce divers who were looking for a piece that fell off their boat. These appear to be remains of visitors to the Swiss assisted suicide clinic, and boy is the Swiss government ticked off! Turns out it's quite legal to operate a 'suicide tourism' spot, but chunking ash filled urns into a lake is a serious felony. I'm not going to wade into assisted suicide; I've my own opinions. Instead I'll just observe that folks who make money by helping others end their lives probably shouldn't be expected to show a lot of reverence for customers' remains.

So if people are finding stuff all over the place, I've a fair shot at finding a job, I should think.

Friday, April 23, 2010

From 'am not' to 'am too'

Yeah, I should probably be writing about ordinary people doing wonderful things against towering odds, inspirational type stuff. Eh, probably get around to it in the near future. But about this Gay World Series deal?

I had no idea there was such a thing, but there is. Turns out there are all Gay amateur baseball teams all over the country competing against one another in a structured league format. OK, I got to set some ground rules right now? We're not gonna have any of the many obvious jokes. Nothing like, "Cochran, you're pitching lousy; I'm taking you out. Hit the showers." Followed by, "The showers? Thanks a LOT Coach, you wanna come too?" Nope, we're just not gonna have anything like that.

The issue is the Gay World Series. Second place finisher was stripped of win this week, because two team members are merely bisexual. Yep, I'm not kidding. I find this intriguing on many levels.

Like, you're bisexual there. What percent of your intimate encounters must be same-sex to qualify for 'pretty much gay'? I'm sure we'd all agree 90 percent is a lock, but what about thirty percent? Maybe the guy lives in a rural area where opportunities for same-sex sex are limited, so is that fair?

My favorite, like knockdown dragout favorite part of this story though? The GWS oversight committee did a 45 minute interrogation of the merely bisexual players before rendering verdict. Wonder what questions they asked? What would a pop quiz on gayness be like?

Were the bisexual players asked to name five Judy Garland songs, or names of all the leads in 'CATS' something like that maybe? Or were they asked to tell three colors that complement chartreuse? Could be they were asked questions from some uber-secret gay version of the Karma Sutra. Something like, "If you're doing 'blooming Lotus' what is proper placement of your left elbow?"

I've no idea what the questions were, but the two players must've failed their gayness pop quiz.

Eh, confusing times these. I sincerely feel sorry for the players who lost the second place credit while being furiously purely homosexual in all their intimate encounters.

But I'm a historian, and that requires a dispassionate perspective. I'm certain this incident marks the first time in American history anyone has been accused of not being very homosexual, and objected strenuously.

Behold the cusp of history. From 'Am Not!' all the way to 'Am Too!' and historians are charged with noting these sea changes. Who better after all? We historians have LOADS of free time.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Shouldn't take Sherlock

There are two very good reasons I don't write on my beliefs, opinions, activities. First, I'm not that interesting. Second, my strength is observing the passing parade in a kind of literary freeze-tag, where I stop action long enough to ask, "does this make sense? No it doesn't, because it's stupid." And since it's common knowledge I never do stupid things, not much material in me really. But I got to write something about this 'Mystery Diagnosis' show.

Say you're in bed fighting one of those 48 hour bugs that's probably going around. 103 temperature, chills, night sweats, trying to find adequate TV entertainment. Turn on 'Mystery Diagnosis' throw in a high fever, and a strange internal dialogue begins...

Pssst Dave, see that girl? When she was a teen, every time she got her period, came with flu-like symptoms. She thought it was no big deal. See? She just said it again!
Then she moved to California and her boobs grew a cup size while she was standing at the luggage carousel, and she thought it was no big deal.

Lots of mid-west girls' boobs grow when they move to SoCal. It's called a culture that values style over substance.

Yep, well took months for them to get back to normal size. Then she got married, moved to Florida, and the same boob thing happened again. She thought it was no big deal. Then one day she finds it hard to climb a flight of stairs; 30yo woman. Month later walking across a room leaves her breathless. Then it's a big deal. All started with flu-like symptoms.

Shut up. I don't have boobs.

Thankfully, a Three Stooges marathon came on next, but an introspection infection had seated in my feverish noggin. Around hour 72 of my 48 hour bug I was wondering how to invent a pillow that stays cool all the time. But I was thinking about something else too, cause thinking about only one thing at a time, well that's just boring.

Had to admit, having a 103 temp for three days, yeah maybe that could be something serious. But on the other hand? I've had a lot of experiences past year or so that haven't been a bit pleasant, and to which the phrase 'Deja Vu' would not attach, not even with super glue. Could it be all this junk has me hyper-sensitized to dark speculation? Am I becoming a Jewish grandmother?

Seems clear to me the Creator in His/Its Wisdom has turned me into a continuing daytime drama; I just don't know how many seasons I'm gonna run. I don't know what the title would be... "The Old and the Listless" maybe? Or how about "The Bald and the Beautiful?" All I know is I barely missed a guest bit on "General Hospital."

What is it about me and Pneumonia? Am I just pneumonia-friendly or something? I know plenty of people who've never had it, yet this is my fourth round. But we should thank God in all things, because God is everywhere in all things.

So I thank God for modern medicine, and antibiotics, and that I haven't grown boobs, yet.

Thursday, April 15, 2010


Like I say every year when KISS gets snubbed by the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, it's always the shy, non-assertive people who get run over in this world. So in the same way I defend KISS I now rise to say a word for Pamela Anderson.

Word came this week the former 'Baywatch' star is on the hook for $450K in unpaid past taxes to the IRS.

What? You want to write the jokes now? Why don't you start your own blog! OK, all right I'll say it... Pam Anderson is SO Busted! Happy now smartypants?

This isn't funny business, that's a lot of money. Ms. Anderson is seriously in arrears. That's a lot to be behind. They may grab her assets.

Around tax time, IRS usually makes some kind of high-profile announcement like that. Guess they think it's intimidatory PR or something. I could see it having opposite effect though really. We're not so much of a long-term thinking culture nowadays, after all. Could well be some tax cheat hears that and thinks, "If it took so long to catch her, I'm probably OK a few more years."

But we can get too caught up in the faceless ebb & flow of things and forget there's a very real person at the center of this drama; Pamela Anderson.

Of course we're all tempted to wonder what Pam's done in the past ten years to earn a paycheck. I dunno either, but movies get made in Spain, Italy, and Eastern Europe all the time where she'd come in handy probably.

Some might find it difficult to see Pam sympathetically. But I say that tax bill should be forgiven based on her contribution to the Tabloid publishing industry alone. There was a time, in between Princess Di's death and Britney Spears/Paris Hilton gearing up, Pam singlehandedly supported several checkout aisle publications.

So if the Pres can pardon a Turkey every Thanksgiving, I should think Ms. Anderson could receive Pamnesty on her tax debt. Hey! Just had a thought (which is rare for me). Former Pres Clinton should try pardoning her! That's never been addressed by the Supreme Court, whether a former Pres still has pardon privilege.

Just sayin' here? If we let former Presidents retain pardon privilege, we could revoke their pensions, and they'll do just fine. Hey, we're all for reducing National debt, right?

Uhmmm... what was I typing about? Oh yeah! Pamela Anderson. Most people don't know how Pam found herself in this bind. Well I keep abreast (sorry, couldn't help meself) of these issues. What happened is this...

On page 1834 of the new healthcare bill, there's a federal sales tax on cosmetic surgery, retroactive to 1985, so that's what happened. Dolly Parton's probably in a heap of trouble too.

I'm glad Michael Jackson's dead, cause this would kill him.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Missing the Pigs

The only news worth commenting on is the Pulitzers snubbed me again! I mean, I'm out here doing cutting edge journalism breaking stories like the misspelled tattoo scandal, but fine! Just give the Pulitzers to your pals at CNN and the New York Times, I don't care. Know why that bunch never does tattoo stories? I'll tell you why; they've all been bought off by Tattoo Ink Inc. that's why. Those TII bastards!

I'll just write on pigs instead. The boat ride was Jesus' idea. Christ was taking a nap at the back of the boat, because healing lepers all day is exhausting work, when the storm hit. The disciples were scared, since flotation devices were a rarity back then; somebody woke up Jesus. Christ said something like, "It's all right sissyboys. Hey storm, knock it off would ya?"

The disciples were rather amazed at the results... I find that hilarious. Would seem to me, I mean? Why'd you wake Him up if you didn't expect a positive outcome? But that's not the funniest part; that happened when they hit shore. They were at Geserenes, a large city populated by Hellenized semites. It was a good place for Jews who'd so disgraced themselves, not even their Mommas loved 'em anymore.

Not recorded, but I think Jesus went to Geserenes specifically for one bit of exorcism. I should point out there are many modern Secularists who consider 'demon possession' in the Bible merely misdiagnosed Epilepsy. I dunno; I've never once met an epileptic who lived in a graveyard and menaced travellers, but that's just me.

So the well known story... the Demons asked not to be cast into the sea, but allowed to enter a nearby herd of pigs. Christ allowed that, and then the pigs ran to the sea and drowned themselves... Jesus could be a real practical joker at times.

The scholarship isn't thorough on what went down in Geserenes after that, but we'd all agree Jesus was in trouble. That's destruction of personal property there. Recently I found the rest of the story written on the back of the 'Mona Lisa' so here it is...

Chamber of Commerce held an emergency meeting, the Mayor was there too. It was unanimously agreed, Geserenes wouldn't stand for wandering Rabbis showing up and damaging the agri-business sector. Consensus broke down quickly on the whole 'what to do about it' thing though. That's where consensus usually breaks down. At length it was decided, they'd go with the secret weapon of all elected officials; a very very large committee.
So they all went to the shore to see Jesus. Got off to a rough start though. Formerly demon-infested guy wouldn't hush the whole praise & thanks bit. Finally somebody said, "Shut up will ya, formerly demon-infested guy who now is healed. We're trying to talk to the trouble making pig killer here, all right?"

Jesus was urged that Geserenes would feel much better, if He'd just go back where He came from, and He agreed. And that's exactly what happened, according to the back of the 'Mona Lisa.' Not the actual woman I mean, but the painting of her. I don't know whether the woman had any tattoos or not.
Hmmm... what else? Oh yeah! Pork belly futures closed sharply higher in Geserenes commodity trading that day.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Bad Ideas...

Well, as Hemingway counselled, write from your own personal experience, right? Now these two pictures here, that's visual representation of bad ideas, but the pairing is an example of synergy. Either photo tells a humorous story alone, but together? It becomes "The Mysterious Case of the Wandering D"...

Will get back to them in a minute though. Two women got caught trying to get a dead guy on a plane??? It's a bad idea, but only because they were never going to get away with it; UK airport security is second only to Israeli. I admire the logic behind the attempt though. It likely costs more to transport a corpse than an airline ticket costs, so... who am I to juge.

This lad here, well? I don't have any tattoo at this time; probably never will. The tattoo artist seemed ambivalent about CApiTals anD lowEr cAsE letters though, didn't he/she? I'm suspecting the sentiment is less religious faith than youthful rebellion. This tattoo though? It's a rarity in the world, being a self-fulfilling anti-prophecy. I very seldom encounter those. Cause see? Just about every english speaker at the beach IS going to juge him.

As opposed to that idiot who scared an airliner full of people by smoking a cigarette in the restroom. Bad idea all the way around! Scrambled fighter jets? SHEESH! He won't be prosecuted though cause he's a Diplomat. Yep, Mohammed Al-Madadi from Qatar. No, I don't know if he was smoking a Camel!!! That joke's too easy, I'll let Leno have it. Whole thing could've gone very badly though, had the air marshalls not stayed cool. Barely missed being a Tradgedy.

I take exception to the young lady's locational choice for her tattoo. All the world's a stage, and we each play many roles in our brief time on Earth. Sure she's got hardware in her mouth now, but? Seeming a finger snap, that fast and she's 37, married to a Dentist. That tattoo location will vastly limit wardrobe choices for attending formal events, ya think? Oh she'll be all right I suspect. Twenty years from now tattoo removal will likely be a thriving business.

Who I really feel sorry for is the tattoo artist. What a cruel irony, having handwriting so pretty, yet being obviously dyslexic. That's a real tradgedy.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

All Orgs have challenges

It's just a fact. The more people in your organization, the more likely some individual is acting improperly right this minute. Org chaos is big in the news this week, so it's appropriate to address this fundamental fact of human interactions.

Fundamental to human nature really. Comes from the dichotomy of our nature. We yearn to be fully realized individuals while yearning to belong to something bigger than us. Causes a lot of probs really; clearly evident all through history...

You got the Odyssey, epic story of Ulysses trying to get home after the Trojan War. Know why it took him ten years? Had too many guys with him. One can barely turn a page without yet another of Ulysses' crew doing something disastrously stupid, often against direct orders.

Jesus understood this irony of human nature and worked hard against it. Kept his core group small, and spent a lot of time reminding them of the Mission Statement. That was the most effective Org in written history, but the disciples were always giving Christ trouble. It's not just Judas either; Jesus had three employees who seem to have spent most their time arguing over which of them was the coolest.

Now this week, news that a GOP employee turned in an expense report including a pricey visit to a fetish themed stripper bar. In his defense, there's probably nothing specifically addressing that in the employee handbook, which reveals another leadership frustration...

The more people on your team, the more likely a few are doing not just easily anticipated stupid, but amazing gravity-defying stupid!!!

Also this week a decades old sex abuse story that some secular media types are trying hard to blame on Pope Benedict. Well hmmm... as a lifelong student of Organizational Chaos, looks like this to me? Every Org with thousands of members will have a few rotten apples, and above them some mid-levels who place the bureaucracy above its stated principles. Nobody's convinced me yet that's Pope Benedict's personal responsibility.

I kind of like Pope Benedict, and that's not a widely held position. Wonder why such an obviously smart guy would agree to follow John Paul II? Guess he just really really wanted to be Pope, huh? Because following the most widely loved, media sharp charismatic Pontiff ever, well... that's kinda like the Monkees on tour with Jimi Hendrix, isn't it?

Yeah, I wonder how that 1967 tour went? The Mozart of electric guitar, who'll change Rock & Roll forever... and the Monkees. Jimi comes out for a set, "Foxy Lady" and "Purple Haze" sets his guitar on fire, such as that. Then a brief interlude while janitorial sweeps guitar ashes off stage of course, and then, and then?
Davey Jones shaking his tambourine and "Hey hey we're the Monkees"...

So yeah, I rather like Pope Benedict, cause right about now he must feel a LOT like Peter Tork.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Ticking down

Sitting here expecting to watch the sun rise tomorrow in my back yard, drinking cup of coffee. Lunar calendar wise, is the true observance of the pivotal moment in human history.

Old Testament, now that's great literature. It's got it all! Fratricide, matricide, patricide, adultery, incest, killing giants with slingshots, throwing foreskins at God (no kidding, look it up) so what's not to like there? Even some cannibalism in the Old Testament.

New Testament has been unhelpfully sanitized in places, so allow me? Here's what really happened Easter morning, OK?

Disciples were laying low, expecting to get busted either by Romans or Sanhedrin any minute. I know a lot about this, because I once ran a very lucrative import/export business in the late 70's but government interference, y'know?

So... knock at the door. It's just the chicks, they're cool. Door opens and in comes the game changers. They're glowing like a lightning bug on his honeymoon, wild eyed and talking crazy. "He is risen, He lives! The grave has no power!"

The hiding disciples said, "What the Hell are you talking about?" Yep, disciples said cuss words, and so did Jesus; deal with it.

I find it difficult that some sects won't accept female preachers when our Lord entrusted the most important news of human history to some Jew girls. Lots of good stuff got edited out of New Testament.
"Lord we came here to annoint your body with herbs, and find you alive as us. Where are the Roman soldiers put to guard your tomb?"
"Well I don't know girls, and yeah actually I do, but they sure did scatter fast when that Angel rolled away the stone. Wish you'd been here, it was hilarious!"

So that's some of what was edited from New Testament. Mostly though, ticking down to the most important sunrise in human history, I think what was left out of Jesus' time in the desert, speaking with Satan.

After all the flashy temptation stuff, Satan and Jesus sat around a sputtering fire in the gathering cold of the Sinai desert sunset. Satan said, "You and me go way back. In the beginning there was the Word, and the Word was God and was with God, so I know this stuff. You and me go way back, I have the right to ask questions, even though I'm Satan of course and want to sabotage your mission. Don't you feel any qualms at all about what is soon to unfold?"

Jesus said, "Of course. What do you think I am, an idiot?"
Satan said, "That fire feels good on a cold desert night, doesn't it? But then, I'd be expected to enjoy a fire, huh?" And he laughed heartily.

"You know I'll be the leader in the crowd shouting 'give us Barrabas' and some of those who've seen your miracles with their own eyes will shout for your blood, you of course know that?"

"Reckon I do, and yeah a fire is nice on a cold desert night."

"You are NOT my Lord, yet you are. You know every name written in the Book of Life, yet you come to take on what I will gleefully orchestrate, so why? What do you think your horrible death will change? Many millions will join me in eternal seperation from the eternal light, so why Jesus?"

"I respect that scorpion crawling on that rock over there more than I do you Satan. It obeys its Creator. You, unable to ask an honest question, and we both know it. I'll die at the hands of those I came to heal, to offer them a choice."

Tomorrow as sun rises? Me, to paraphrase St. Paul? Me, a chief among sinners who has earned a horrible death on a Cross. I will be in my back yard, pro-choice.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Holy Week Update

Well sure I'm commenting on the news! It's always new news, and really really old news too.

"The fool hath said in his heart, there is no God"

That's from Psalms, ca. 1000 BC. I still say BC, though I know 'BCE' is current fashion among historians. Atheists have been around a LONG LONG time!

Which brings up something I never thoughted about before. What do atheist kids hunt on Easter weekend? I should market Darwin eggs! That'd be cool; multi-colored plastic eggs with a swirly pattern running around them. Start with slime, through fish, amphibian, monkey and finally TA-DAHH! Upright man walking at the end of the little plastic Darwin egg spiral. Yes, upright man, the dangest highest expression of blind mutation what ever was or shall be! All bow and worship, uhmm... yourself!

I should get right on that Darwin egg thing, probably be a big seller. Uhmm... not not really, not so much. There's not really a lot of Atheists in this world; it just seems that way because in Western Civ they get to be so loud. But I don't want to type about Atheists anyways. Just wanted to observe they've been with us since
1000 BC at least. I want to talk about wasps!

People like me enjoy keeping track of science. Did you know there is a territorial fish, that alters its landscape (well waterscape I guess) in ways that will attract prey animals? Well there is. LOTS of bee and ant research runs past my sponge brain regularly. Some recent examples would be...

Queen Ants don't mind so much if two thirds of colony members die fighting; she's a CYA kinda girl, that type.

Honey bees had a really hard Winter, and they weren't doing just dandy before Winter. That's bad, because along with earthworms, Honey bees are the unthanked providers of every American meal.

But why have I never run across any wasp research? Could it be they're not exactly 'user friendly' insects? I bet a wasp would sting a corpse just for practice. I've always wanted to start an Internet urban myth, and maybe here's me chance. How about... "Five year, fifty million dollar taxpayer funded study concludes, wasps are mean little bastards."

Don't laugh; I bet it'd catch on better than Darwin eggs. So why do wasps exist anyways? A very frustrated person asked me exactly that yesterday. I told him, "Well, I'm not sure. But I do know the larva make excellent fish bait. Perch are crazy for them. Old folks used to knock a nest down, and that's good fishing there, or so I was told."

I don't think he found that answer satisfactory. I learned that info from a darling ancient lady who was alive before Teddy Roosevelt was president, and was a certifiable wild child well past puberty, and I mean decades past puberty. I knew her as a nearly blind old woman who could bake the best lemon pie you ever ate, and was drop dead crazy for fishing.

But it's a fair question; what are wasps good for? I know they eat flies. So no wasps, a bunch more flies. Other than that I don't really know, except it pleases God they exist. That's enough answer.