Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Missing the Pigs

The only news worth commenting on is the Pulitzers snubbed me again! I mean, I'm out here doing cutting edge journalism breaking stories like the misspelled tattoo scandal, but fine! Just give the Pulitzers to your pals at CNN and the New York Times, I don't care. Know why that bunch never does tattoo stories? I'll tell you why; they've all been bought off by Tattoo Ink Inc. that's why. Those TII bastards!

I'll just write on pigs instead. The boat ride was Jesus' idea. Christ was taking a nap at the back of the boat, because healing lepers all day is exhausting work, when the storm hit. The disciples were scared, since flotation devices were a rarity back then; somebody woke up Jesus. Christ said something like, "It's all right sissyboys. Hey storm, knock it off would ya?"

The disciples were rather amazed at the results... I find that hilarious. Would seem to me, I mean? Why'd you wake Him up if you didn't expect a positive outcome? But that's not the funniest part; that happened when they hit shore. They were at Geserenes, a large city populated by Hellenized semites. It was a good place for Jews who'd so disgraced themselves, not even their Mommas loved 'em anymore.

Not recorded, but I think Jesus went to Geserenes specifically for one bit of exorcism. I should point out there are many modern Secularists who consider 'demon possession' in the Bible merely misdiagnosed Epilepsy. I dunno; I've never once met an epileptic who lived in a graveyard and menaced travellers, but that's just me.

So the well known story... the Demons asked not to be cast into the sea, but allowed to enter a nearby herd of pigs. Christ allowed that, and then the pigs ran to the sea and drowned themselves... Jesus could be a real practical joker at times.

The scholarship isn't thorough on what went down in Geserenes after that, but we'd all agree Jesus was in trouble. That's destruction of personal property there. Recently I found the rest of the story written on the back of the 'Mona Lisa' so here it is...

Chamber of Commerce held an emergency meeting, the Mayor was there too. It was unanimously agreed, Geserenes wouldn't stand for wandering Rabbis showing up and damaging the agri-business sector. Consensus broke down quickly on the whole 'what to do about it' thing though. That's where consensus usually breaks down. At length it was decided, they'd go with the secret weapon of all elected officials; a very very large committee.
So they all went to the shore to see Jesus. Got off to a rough start though. Formerly demon-infested guy wouldn't hush the whole praise & thanks bit. Finally somebody said, "Shut up will ya, formerly demon-infested guy who now is healed. We're trying to talk to the trouble making pig killer here, all right?"

Jesus was urged that Geserenes would feel much better, if He'd just go back where He came from, and He agreed. And that's exactly what happened, according to the back of the 'Mona Lisa.' Not the actual woman I mean, but the painting of her. I don't know whether the woman had any tattoos or not.
Hmmm... what else? Oh yeah! Pork belly futures closed sharply higher in Geserenes commodity trading that day.

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