Saturday, April 3, 2010

Ticking down

Sitting here expecting to watch the sun rise tomorrow in my back yard, drinking cup of coffee. Lunar calendar wise, is the true observance of the pivotal moment in human history.

Old Testament, now that's great literature. It's got it all! Fratricide, matricide, patricide, adultery, incest, killing giants with slingshots, throwing foreskins at God (no kidding, look it up) so what's not to like there? Even some cannibalism in the Old Testament.

New Testament has been unhelpfully sanitized in places, so allow me? Here's what really happened Easter morning, OK?

Disciples were laying low, expecting to get busted either by Romans or Sanhedrin any minute. I know a lot about this, because I once ran a very lucrative import/export business in the late 70's but government interference, y'know?

So... knock at the door. It's just the chicks, they're cool. Door opens and in comes the game changers. They're glowing like a lightning bug on his honeymoon, wild eyed and talking crazy. "He is risen, He lives! The grave has no power!"

The hiding disciples said, "What the Hell are you talking about?" Yep, disciples said cuss words, and so did Jesus; deal with it.

I find it difficult that some sects won't accept female preachers when our Lord entrusted the most important news of human history to some Jew girls. Lots of good stuff got edited out of New Testament.
"Lord we came here to annoint your body with herbs, and find you alive as us. Where are the Roman soldiers put to guard your tomb?"
"Well I don't know girls, and yeah actually I do, but they sure did scatter fast when that Angel rolled away the stone. Wish you'd been here, it was hilarious!"

So that's some of what was edited from New Testament. Mostly though, ticking down to the most important sunrise in human history, I think what was left out of Jesus' time in the desert, speaking with Satan.

After all the flashy temptation stuff, Satan and Jesus sat around a sputtering fire in the gathering cold of the Sinai desert sunset. Satan said, "You and me go way back. In the beginning there was the Word, and the Word was God and was with God, so I know this stuff. You and me go way back, I have the right to ask questions, even though I'm Satan of course and want to sabotage your mission. Don't you feel any qualms at all about what is soon to unfold?"

Jesus said, "Of course. What do you think I am, an idiot?"
Satan said, "That fire feels good on a cold desert night, doesn't it? But then, I'd be expected to enjoy a fire, huh?" And he laughed heartily.

"You know I'll be the leader in the crowd shouting 'give us Barrabas' and some of those who've seen your miracles with their own eyes will shout for your blood, you of course know that?"

"Reckon I do, and yeah a fire is nice on a cold desert night."

"You are NOT my Lord, yet you are. You know every name written in the Book of Life, yet you come to take on what I will gleefully orchestrate, so why? What do you think your horrible death will change? Many millions will join me in eternal seperation from the eternal light, so why Jesus?"

"I respect that scorpion crawling on that rock over there more than I do you Satan. It obeys its Creator. You, unable to ask an honest question, and we both know it. I'll die at the hands of those I came to heal, to offer them a choice."

Tomorrow as sun rises? Me, to paraphrase St. Paul? Me, a chief among sinners who has earned a horrible death on a Cross. I will be in my back yard, pro-choice.