Thursday, December 31, 2009

Exploding underpants

In the 19th century, Victor Hugo wrote a book called "Less Miserable." While that title might seem a cunning attempt to artificially lower the expectation bar, it's not like that at all really. Hugo's original title was "Less Miserable than a Commercial Airline flight." A real visionary that Victor. But the publishers correctly deduced it was too ahead of its time, so there ya go.

Mr. Bill Gates is on record saying the airplane is the most significant human invention to date. He may be right about that. But then again, he probably doesn't fly coach very often.

Oh, I don't mind that the seating gets more cramped every year. The airlines are trying to make it easier on us passengers, in their way. They do that by starving us mid-flight, figuring eventually we'll fit the seating just fine.

What I don't like is the security screenings, so I'm rather perturbed about this Nigerian chap. He bought a one way ticket with cash, and he had no luggage. OK, just going from personal experience here? I recall Myrtle Beach airport, having to throw my deodorant and toothpaste in garbage because my Zip-loc bag was too big.

Yep, they foiled my plot. I was hoping for a pilot with a really tiny head. I'd use my non-regulation plastic bag to smother him, and then I was going to crash the jet into the St. Louis arch. I hate that arch.

But a no-luggage one way ticket guy made it all the way from Europe to Detroit? Guess he had the right size plastic bag is all I can figure.

Personally, I took it as encouraging when that shoe bomber guy was caught. I reasoned that Al Qaeda ranks were fairly decimated, since they'd now been reduced to getting ideas from Wile E. Coyote cartoons. That was before I realized I'm gonna be taking off my shoes every time I fly, for the rest of my life.

Now we enter the era of exploding underpants. I'll be incensed (not to imply I'll smell like Sandalwood; I'll be angry) if the would be terrorist doesn't garner a Darwin award, since he did succeed in rendering his genitals non-functional.

Still, I can't help focus on how this will impact my future commerical airline flights...

"Sir did anyone besides you put your underwear on you?"

"No ma'am. Did it all by myself."

Since we're gonna continue with the PC farce in airport security, drawing out blue haired grannies for wanding and such, I propose a baby step towards sanity. Starting 2010, nobody with more than twenty-four letters in their name gets to fly anywhere.

I think Victor Hugo would agree with me on that.