Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Allegedly Construed Funny Things

Just heard from my legal counsel. The folks at Leibovitz, Leibovtiz, Leibovitz & O'Brien believe I'm risking a future lawsuit by not being precise enough, well in their words? Let's see, got the letter right here, hang on a sec?

"Said client, hereafter referred to as Hillbilly of the first part, frequently and casually slanders famous and powerful personages by not drawing a sufficiently clear distinction when parody, satire, etc. is the rather ambiguous intent. We hereby strongly encourage Hillbilly of the first part to cease & desist immediately, and forthwith endeavor to press upon readers with due diligence in all instances where assertions are total fabrications. That'll be $1500."

Wow, what an impressive letter! I hit Leibovitz, Leibovitz, Leibovitz & O'Brein back, explaining to them whole point of the Blog is challenging comfortable assumptions, but you know those Irish Catholics.

In compliance with advice of counsel, we'll try this experiment...

THE FOLLOWING IS ABSOLUTELY TRUE AS ACCEPTED BY MOST REPUTABLE SOURCES.
Pirates invented the concept of Worker's Comp insurance.

Drinking coffee was once punishable by death in Turkey, because when men gathered to drink coffee, they discussed government.

In Death Valley, CA there are rocks that move by themselves, and nobody has yet delivered an acceptable theory explaining that.

An experiment done in UK revealed that a Robin with one eye removed can still navigate long distances perfectly. Take instead the other eye out, the birds fly in big confused circles until they're exhausted.

No one has yet been able to explain what the Scientists do with the removed eyes, but I think it's ingredient in some Chinese delicacy. Also? Researchers are confounded why the test group Robins have taken to wearing eye patches, and going "Arr, Arr" all the time.

OK, I made up that last bit. Get off my back O'Brien!!!

THE FOLLOWING IS TOTALLY MADE UP STUFF, AND ONLY AN UNINFORMED DOLT WOULD THINK OTHERWISE.
Elton John isn't homosexual. He just uses that as excuse for horrible fashion sense.

Seven out of ten people surveyed think statistics are made up by bald hillbillys.

The wind tunnel, where airplane prototypes and automobiles are tested, that partially empowered the Apollo program success? It was invented by a couple of bicycle mechanics. They used dangling bits of thread and had to calculate dozens of pages of handwritten math to approximate actual forces and scale up. Oh wait? That one is true. DAMN YOU O'BRIEN!!!

Note to self: Fire Leibovitz, Leibovitz, Leibovitz & O'Brien at soonest chance. They're legalistic constrainers of all you hold sacred. Keep Leibovitz though; he's a nice guy.

This experiment in legal compliance has been a total snoozer. Henceforth I will continue to slander, malign, libel and otherwise engage in calumny with an attitude bordering on careless abandon, if not exceeding it. WOW! That's good lawyer talk! Maybe I should start billing people!

I should close with something else that's absolutely true, as Bruce starts singing "Born 2 Run" on radio. Hmmm... OK!

As DeGaulle was retiring from office, he & wife got visit from some diplomat. The Ambassador's wife asked Mrs. DeGaulle what she was most looking forward to about Chucko's retirement. Lady DeGaulle smiled broadly and said, "A Penis."

After about five seconds of utter silence (I LIVE for those 5 seconds in all human encounters!) Charles DeGaulle patted his wife's hand and said, "Cherie? In the English, they pronounce it like the 'appiness, you see?"