Tuesday, October 27, 2009

The whys of spies

It's generally accepted, closeted homosexuals make the most effective spies. Nobody knows why for sure, but I figure? They're already successfully keeping one big secret, so a few more shouldn't hurt.

The 'household' names spies; Nathan Hale, Benedict Arnold, Mata Hari and the Rosenbergs. We know of them because they got caught. Know why they got caught? Yep, that's right. Because they weren't homosexuals.

While invasion plans and atomic secrets are glamorous, it's always been industrial espionage where the big money and steady work are found. In that area, there's no one personality type that shines above the rest.

The Quinine project, that was big deal industrial espionage. One of the team was captured and tortured to death. The brilliant team leader was an Alpaca farmer.

Operation silkworm was even bigger, when done in the 11th century, and two monks pulled that one off. I really should be more admiring of their daring, but I'm distracted by reverence for some other guy in the silk story, lived a few thousand years ago and his name is lost to history. Whole thing must've started like...
"Hey, Kwang Chai, see that worm chewing that mulberry leaf?"
"Yeah, so what?"
"We should make clothing from its cocoon."

Wow! What an original thinker!

But of all industrial espionage stories, the chair has to be my all time favorite.
First, I think it's hilarioius someone had to invent the chair, yet archaeologists agree the chair was first invented in Egypt.

One is tempted to sympathy for the untold preceding generations of the human race, telling each other, "I'm so tired of standing up, but I don't want to lie down, somebody should do something about it!" But our sympathy truly belongs with the Egyptians, I think.

See, by all rights they were sitting (literally) on a gold mine of export biz with the new invention. Only problem was, once an outsider got a look at the chair, good luck defending your patent! The cat was out of the bag. Wait a minute, ancient Egyptians, how would they say it? Oh yeah! The scorpion's out of the canopic jar buddy! So you got this really cool invention, and you won't make a darned shekel off it.

If that's not bad enough, try putting yourself in Pharaoh's place for a minute. You've invited dignitaries from foreign lands, to intimidate them with the might and majesty of Egypt. You say, "Behold our eternal pyramids, our sphinx, our war chariots in number like unto the stars in the sky" and just when you get going good, it's "Excuse me Pharaoh, but what's that you're squatting on there? We got NOTHING like that back home! Can I try it out? WOW! A cup holder too?"

You can imagine how, after four or five ambassadors in a row, it would get annoying.

And, I don't know? Could've been way indirectly, invention of the chair even led to conquest of Egypt. Think about it. A guy sitting on a stump. I sure couldn't with a straight face address such a man as "Alexander the Great." Stumps simply aren't regal. History might've been vastly changed, if every time an ambassador visited, Egyptians were just standing around winking slyly at one another. Alexander might never have become a conqueror. Instead maybe he'd have been a spy, and a really good one too, cause he was homosexual.

No comments: