Tuesday, October 6, 2009

The furry menace

Well what next? I can't tell the Shampoo from the Conditioner. When did they start making the printing so small on the bottles? OK it's not a bottle, it's a plastic container. Future archaeologists will dig through our garbage and wonder why the human race suddenly forgot how to make glass containers, around 1969. I'll be dead by then, but I hope those future nerds correctly identify the reason for our calamitous drop in IQ... Billy Jack movies. So they're not bottles anymore, but like a bunch of idiots we keep calling them bottles because, well, Billy Jack movies.

The two "bottles" look just alike, and the printing is so small. It's not as easy as don't worry about it and use some of each. You're supposed to use that stuff in proper sequence. If I use conditioner first and then shampoo, I could end up with hair that while clean, isn't soft and manageable. And I'm not wearing my glasses in the shower! I'd look like Clark Kent at a nudist colony or something.

But just when I think nobody could have it worse than me, I read about a woman in Florida attacked by a gang of raccoons. Like any other American, my initial reactions were:
A.) Yeah Florida would be the place for that, or California of course.
2.) Raccoons in organized crime? Makes sense; they already wear masks.

In complex times we yearn for simple answers. My Mom would say the raccoons haven't had any raisin' for instance. Others would say it's too much MTV. Really though, when raccoons turn to crime, it's due to a culture of hopelessness and despair.

Put yourself in their shoes. OK, I realize they don't wear shoes, but you know what I mean. Before the recession a raccoon could feed his family off the stuff in one garbage can. In these challenging times, you arrive at the garbage can to learn the Armadillos have already taken the good stuff, and you end up licking a pizza box. You can't feed a family of raccoons with a pizza box.

Obivously the raccoons are angry. They're angry about bad loan practices that led to an extreme housing bubble. Now many homes that once had garbage cans you could count on, well those houses are empty. Nothing but a sign in the yard and it doesn't taste good either. And these Armadillos? Why don't they stay down in Mexico where they belong and knock over mexican garbage cans?

I'm not excusing raccoon street crime. Mrs. Gretchen Whitted isn't responsible for the housing bubble or illegal Armadillo immigration, but the innnocent often are the primary targets of mindless rage. Thank the Lord she's going to be just fine. And too, good the attack happened in front of witnesses. Because around here, if I call the police and say I've been attacked by a gang of raccoons? Guess who's getting a field sobriety test?

So yeah, I'll go noble and say that the softness and manageability of my hair, maybe isn't as big a deal as gangs of angry raccoons roaming Florida subdivisions.

And I don't want to alarm anybody, but raccoons have opposable thumbs. They can fire a handgun. Reminds me of a bumper sticker I saw the other day. "When guns are illegal, only raccoons will have guns." I'm pretty sure that's what it said. They make the printing so small on bumperstickers nowadays.

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