Saturday, October 3, 2009

If you feel like it

Yep, says so right here on the hand cleaner bottle. "Kills 99.99% of germs." Quite a useful thing in these Swine flu times, but I can't help wondering about the other .01% of germs. They must be the envy of the bacterial world. What's it take to kill them, sulfuric acid or something? Well, that probably wouldn't make for a popular hand cleaner, even if it did smell like lemons. Guess we'll have to settle for the best we can do, for now.

In the same way, I understand why President Obama went to Denmark. He thought it'd be a nice morale boost to get the 2016 Olympics, he thought he could shmooze a good outcome, I understand. What I can't fathom is the correct pronunciation of "Copenhagen." Among our nation's news readers, that seems to be an unresolved issue. We've got to watch out for unresovled issues, because that leads to divisiveness. Divisiveness is bad, since as Ben Cartwright once said, "A house divided against itself cannot stand."

Ha ha ha, I kill me. Sure, it was Abraham Lincoln who said that. A very smart man, I bet he could pronounce Copenhagen correctly. I merely wanted to swim against the current, and take quotes away from Abe as others are piling quotes on him. Lincoln would've had to talk nonstop for fifty years to have said everything attributed to him. The stuff he actually did say though, reveals great wisdom. Historians all agree, Mary Todd Lincoln was not an attractive woman... nope, the OTHER thing they all agree on David? Oh yeah! Historians all agree, the man who warned about "a divided house" was himself a very divisive leader. That's called irony, because aluminum hadn't been invented yet, and people had to settle for the best they could do.

While some of our most divisive leaders have been impressive quote hurlers, I wonder if that alone is worth all the trouble they cause. Yeah, just about every President we've had, all my life anyways, people either hated him or loved him. Isn't it time for a President we can be emotionally ambivalent about?

Eisenhower and Ford, now those were great shrug inducing Presidents. They brought the nation together in a consensus of, "Eh, what ya gonna do? I guess he's trying." I'd like to point out:
A.) Both those guys were bald.
2.) Neither of them worked very hard to get to the Oval Office.

The truth is inescapable; I'm perfectly positioned for a 2012 candidacy. I'm bald and I'm willing to not work very hard to accomplish things, I mean if my country needs me to of course. And talk about experience! I'm been provoking ambivalent shrugs for fifty years.

Our country needs a President nobody gets excited about either way, so we can stop bickering and return to the proud American tradition of settling for the best we can do. I urge you to support my candidacy, I mean if you have time. I know we're all so busy these days. And vote for me, if you feel like it.

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