Saturday, November 7, 2009

Romance in the desert

The Creator said "Be fruitful and multiply" and so far that's the only heavenly directive where one hundred percent compliance can be shown. There's just a lot of sex in the Bible. If the Bible was a TV show, it could only be on HBO late at night.

Even the rather slow moving passages in the Bible are full of sex. Like that part where it goes, "And Japeth begat Jerobim" and etc. for about fifty pages or so? Well anytime somebody gets begot, somebody's having sex.

Aside from the sex, there's lots of pure romance in the Bible. Like Jacob working seven years at no wages to earn the hand of Rachel. Then on the wedding night he gets slipped the ugly sister instead by his sneaky father in law. Now that's a stunt so wild, I bet the "General Hospital" writers wouldn't touch it, but it happened. Poor Jacob had to work another seven years to get the cute sister. That's love for you.

So I can't help but wonder if John the Baptist had a girlfriend. I'm not like those "mainstream" historians who stick to facts; the snivelling cowards. I think John had a girlfriend. After all, girls dig those edgey rebel types. Eating grasshoppers and standing waist deep in the Jordan river all day? Well you can't get more edgey than that! And John was a celebrity too. Anybody who goes around saying the King and Queen are too trashy for the Jerry Springer show, yeah, that draws attention.

I think I even know who John's girlfriend was. It was the girl who ran the "John the Baptist" souvenier stand. While I'm certain the relationship was chaste, they had deep feelings for one another, and I can easily imagine conversations like this taking place...

Getting dark, the tour buses have all gone, she's locking up for the night.

"John, why don't you come home with me for supper? You know my parents just adore you."

"Naw, thanks but I'll just stay here and eat some grasshoppers."

"Well I know the Creator told you to do all this stuff. But did He specifically say you couldn't have any Lamb stew? Cause that's what we're having tonight."

"No, I wasn't told not to have Lamb stew, but it's like this all right? Grasshoppers are an acquired taste. Nice bowl of Lamb stew would put me back to square one. Let's just change the subject? How was business today?"

"Pretty good, considering the economy. T-shirts are selling well; not so good with the fridge magnets though."

"Well, it'll probably pick up after somebody invents the refrigerator."

Yeah, I think it happened like that. One must be fair to John after all. Presuming he found grasshoppers delicious, and never yearned for a girl to tell his secrets to? That diminishes the scope of his sacrifice, and protects us from the challenge to be more like John in our own small ways.

Myself, I'm not going to eat grasshoppers unless the Creator sends me an e-mail about it. Although I'm pretty sure there's a TV show where folks do that for money.

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