Tuesday, September 22, 2009

You Lie!

When I read anything in the news, I draw from my body of knowledge to decide whether said news story makes sense. Being a child of the TV generation, most of my knowledge is clustered around:

A.) Coconuts can be put to any number of uses, except boat repair.
B.) If you're the new guy, NEVER visit a strange planet with Captain Kirk.

But I have a few other sources of information too. So when I read the following: "After the speech, Wilson's wife asked him, Who was that idiot hollering during the speech?" I nodded in recognition, since that's exactly the sort of information a mother would find interesting. You know why?

When one draws undue attention to himself during a public gathering, folks will think they haven't had any raisin'.

During my childhood, strangers thinking I hadn't had any raisin' was a very popular theme with my mother. It seemed like everything I did made folks think I hadn't had any raisin'. Adding to my confusion, I thought for the longest time she was talking about dried grapes. Once we got that misunderstanding ironed out though, I began to realize what an amazingly reasonable woman my mother is.

She merely asked that I demonstrate some level of maternal instruction, that's all. Just something comparable to what one might expect of, I don't know, a crustacean maybe. Anything else, Mom would meet me halfway and blame that behavior on my father's DNA.

Wish I could say it was smooth sailing after that, but demonstrating raisin' can be a very confusing project for a child. For example? "The Preacher has a new toupee" is just fine on the ride home. But the same statement at oh, say 65 decibels, while the rest of the congregation is in silent prayer, and you know what? Folks think you haven't had any raisin' is what.

That bit of information should've been worked into a "Star Trek" episode. Certainly would've spared me a painful childhood experience, but I guess Gene Roddenberry couldn't think of everything.

Mothers are generally rather lenient about children's First Ammendment rights. It's not what you say, but where or when you say it. Mothers desire that their children demonstrate just a smidgeon, an iota of maternal instruction, is that too much to ask really?

So yeah, Mrs. Wilson, being a mother? Of course she'd have wanted to know what idiot was hollering during the President's speech. I don't think she was a bit embarrassed on learning the idiot was her husband. After all, he's not her kid, right? In fact, I suspect Mrs. Wilson was delighted. She can put motherhood on cruise control from here on out, and just blame EVERYTHING on their father's DNA.

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