Paper or Plastic

He wasn't merely a PhD. That guy had enough letters behind his name to start a new name. A very erudite chap, he was speaking on nuclear proliferation. A lot of very large words were used. When you really listened though, it boiled down to "your guess is good as mine."

Then he got to the topic of Iran and said, "Well the cat's out of the bag there." I immediately felt sympathy, not only for Iran's neighbors but also those just learning english. Those learning a new language have to string together the literal meanings of words and sort out context.

So right when the guy said that, something like this happened somewhere.

"Borees! TV man talk of Iran secret cat bomb! Come queek dahlink!"

I wonder if Natasha is related to Eva Gabor; they sure do talk alike.

Inconvenient as it is to foreigners, I don't think any english speaker can totally excise phrases like, "cat out of the bag" from his speech. These idioms are the linguistic equivalent of a favorite pair of jeans, after a long day of wearing dress clothes. One slips into them unconsciously.

People with lots of letters behind their names will occasionally say, "All experience is localized." This means, try though you might, you can never really know another man's life and culture as he does. Or it could mean, "Your guess is good as mine." I'll have to research that.

So as an American, I'm tempted to presume only english contains phrases that literally make no sense, yet we all know the meaning. Tempting, but common sense argues otherwise. People who live overseas also require these linguistic equivalents of blue jeans. Moreso, since all jeans are made over there now. Therefore, in China right now somebody is likely saying, "I don't mean to let the Panda out of the crate" or something like that.

I can't help wonder about the origins of these things though. How precisely did "cat out of the bag" come to mean the element of surprise is lost. Hmmm. Were cats in bags once a popular birthday gift? It's not just cats either. "Pig in a poke" well a poke is a sack.

What is all this? Lingering echo of the caveman percursor to our modern sack lunch? I never saw that on "The Flinstones." Or could it have been the fashion in Medieval times to walk around with critters in bags? I guess we'll never know for sure. Which means, your guess is good as mine.

Yeah, no kidding

Mr. Obama won a Nobel Prize? For what I wonder. Oh, says so right here; for not being George W. Bush. Wish I could win a prize for not being somebody. Nevertheless, it is historic. Some day kids will read about it in school and find it very boring.

The reason schoolkids think history is boring is because nobody tells them the good stuff. Like it's about to be Columbus Day for instance. Besides meaning that furniture made in China is on sale all over the tri-state area, means teachers will have to mention it in the daily lesson, well perhaps.

Lord only knows what that'll look like in some school districts. The day Europeans introduced the concept of violence to peace loving native Americans maybe? Yep, that's right kids! Pre-1492 the entire Aztec empire was wandering around Central America hugging trees.

Why don't they tell the kids how America got its name? Oh sure, you say everybody already knows that. America is named for Amerigo Vanconfucious, famed explorer, philosopher and furniture maker. I didn't say "from whom" I said "how."

America got its name because an oversexed pickle merchant's butt kissing letters home got plagiarized. OK, I put it to a show of hands in a classroom of teenagers. Who wants to hear about the Louisiana Purchase, and who wants to hear about the oversexed pickle merchant? It's an inescapable fact; teenagers are fascinated with pickles.

Amerigo had the contract to provide pickles for the Columbus expedition. Pickles are really good on an ocean voyage. They don't spoil, and they're an excellent source of vitamin C, prevents scurvy. And look, while we're at it? Wasn't like Chris was the only person who thought the Earth was round. Every blue water ship captain knew it. Lots of folks in Arabia and China knew it too. What they didn't know was the circumference, which is what made the Chris gambit rather daring. Actually a Greek cat named Eratosthenes had figured Earth circumference back around 300 BC, by measuring shadows of sticks placed on a wide flat plain during solstice. He was only off by five percent too, rather impressive. But hey, even I have journalistic standards, so I'm not going to dwell there. Had he measured the shadows of pickles, I could work with that.

So when Chris came back, lots of people said, "Wow! No kidding?" Except they said it in Spanish of course. Amerigo saw opportunity. He prevailed upon his employers the Medici family, to pull strings and get him on future voyages. Frankly, Amerigo wasn't a fundamental contributor on any of the four voyages. He was more like a celebrity contestant on "The Dating Game."

His honest claim to having two continents named for him? He was the first person who publicly said, "Ya know what? I don't think this place is Asia at all." He didn't intend to say it publicly. He wrote it in butt kissing letters to his boss, Lorenzo Medici. He wrote lots of letters to Lorenzo. An oft visited topic was how native American (yeah, they weren't called Americans yet) girls weren't like the girls back home, if ya know what I mean? These letters widely circulated among European nobility and were read with much interest and some drooling.

Then some plagiarizer got hold of them. You got these letters from an oversexed pickle merchant. You got the recently invented Guttenberg press. What are you gonna do? Soft core pornography, DUH! Lots of embellishment added to the already randy letters from Amerigo, and was it a popular book? Think JK Rowling and Dan Brown have a baby and he grows up and writes a book, like that popular.

So Amerigo was widely associated with the new land mass about a decade later when a group of cartographers met and decided on the name. That's how America got its name.

Even the Louisiana Purchase is interesting, if you tell the good stuff. For one thing, Napoleon needed the money to finance his wars of conquest. His Russian invasion was doomed in part by the alloy French uniform buttons were made from. Brilliant strategist really, his army did well in button friendly warm climates. His navy? Napoleon was a land guy. He never understood naval warfare. Still, they'd have done well if not for Nelson. Nelson was DA MAN! Walking around the decks in full dress uniform during an intense firefight might not have been a good idea in hindsight. Want a pickle?

The furry menace

Well what next? I can't tell the Shampoo from the Conditioner. When did they start making the printing so small on the bottles? OK it's not a bottle, it's a plastic container. Future archaeologists will dig through our garbage and wonder why the human race suddenly forgot how to make glass containers, around 1969. I'll be dead by then, but I hope those future nerds correctly identify the reason for our calamitous drop in IQ... Billy Jack movies. So they're not bottles anymore, but like a bunch of idiots we keep calling them bottles because, well, Billy Jack movies.

The two "bottles" look just alike, and the printing is so small. It's not as easy as don't worry about it and use some of each. You're supposed to use that stuff in proper sequence. If I use conditioner first and then shampoo, I could end up with hair that while clean, isn't soft and manageable. And I'm not wearing my glasses in the shower! I'd look like Clark Kent at a nudist colony or something.

But just when I think nobody could have it worse than me, I read about a woman in Florida attacked by a gang of raccoons. Like any other American, my initial reactions were:
A.) Yeah Florida would be the place for that, or California of course.
2.) Raccoons in organized crime? Makes sense; they already wear masks.

In complex times we yearn for simple answers. My Mom would say the raccoons haven't had any raisin' for instance. Others would say it's too much MTV. Really though, when raccoons turn to crime, it's due to a culture of hopelessness and despair.

Put yourself in their shoes. OK, I realize they don't wear shoes, but you know what I mean. Before the recession a raccoon could feed his family off the stuff in one garbage can. In these challenging times, you arrive at the garbage can to learn the Armadillos have already taken the good stuff, and you end up licking a pizza box. You can't feed a family of raccoons with a pizza box.

Obivously the raccoons are angry. They're angry about bad loan practices that led to an extreme housing bubble. Now many homes that once had garbage cans you could count on, well those houses are empty. Nothing but a sign in the yard and it doesn't taste good either. And these Armadillos? Why don't they stay down in Mexico where they belong and knock over mexican garbage cans?

I'm not excusing raccoon street crime. Mrs. Gretchen Whitted isn't responsible for the housing bubble or illegal Armadillo immigration, but the innnocent often are the primary targets of mindless rage. Thank the Lord she's going to be just fine. And too, good the attack happened in front of witnesses. Because around here, if I call the police and say I've been attacked by a gang of raccoons? Guess who's getting a field sobriety test?

So yeah, I'll go noble and say that the softness and manageability of my hair, maybe isn't as big a deal as gangs of angry raccoons roaming Florida subdivisions.

And I don't want to alarm anybody, but raccoons have opposable thumbs. They can fire a handgun. Reminds me of a bumper sticker I saw the other day. "When guns are illegal, only raccoons will have guns." I'm pretty sure that's what it said. They make the printing so small on bumperstickers nowadays.

If you feel like it

Yep, says so right here on the hand cleaner bottle. "Kills 99.99% of germs." Quite a useful thing in these Swine flu times, but I can't help wondering about the other .01% of germs. They must be the envy of the bacterial world. What's it take to kill them, sulfuric acid or something? Well, that probably wouldn't make for a popular hand cleaner, even if it did smell like lemons. Guess we'll have to settle for the best we can do, for now.

In the same way, I understand why President Obama went to Denmark. He thought it'd be a nice morale boost to get the 2016 Olympics, he thought he could shmooze a good outcome, I understand. What I can't fathom is the correct pronunciation of "Copenhagen." Among our nation's news readers, that seems to be an unresolved issue. We've got to watch out for unresovled issues, because that leads to divisiveness. Divisiveness is bad, since as Ben Cartwright once said, "A house divided against itself cannot stand."

Ha ha ha, I kill me. Sure, it was Abraham Lincoln who said that. A very smart man, I bet he could pronounce Copenhagen correctly. I merely wanted to swim against the current, and take quotes away from Abe as others are piling quotes on him. Lincoln would've had to talk nonstop for fifty years to have said everything attributed to him. The stuff he actually did say though, reveals great wisdom. Historians all agree, Mary Todd Lincoln was not an attractive woman... nope, the OTHER thing they all agree on David? Oh yeah! Historians all agree, the man who warned about "a divided house" was himself a very divisive leader. That's called irony, because aluminum hadn't been invented yet, and people had to settle for the best they could do.

While some of our most divisive leaders have been impressive quote hurlers, I wonder if that alone is worth all the trouble they cause. Yeah, just about every President we've had, all my life anyways, people either hated him or loved him. Isn't it time for a President we can be emotionally ambivalent about?

Eisenhower and Ford, now those were great shrug inducing Presidents. They brought the nation together in a consensus of, "Eh, what ya gonna do? I guess he's trying." I'd like to point out:
A.) Both those guys were bald.
2.) Neither of them worked very hard to get to the Oval Office.

The truth is inescapable; I'm perfectly positioned for a 2012 candidacy. I'm bald and I'm willing to not work very hard to accomplish things, I mean if my country needs me to of course. And talk about experience! I'm been provoking ambivalent shrugs for fifty years.

Our country needs a President nobody gets excited about either way, so we can stop bickering and return to the proud American tradition of settling for the best we can do. I urge you to support my candidacy, I mean if you have time. I know we're all so busy these days. And vote for me, if you feel like it.

Everybody does it

Well I remember lots of things, but I don't recall ever hearing it. I remember the early RCA Victor ad, "His Master's Voice" was taken from a painting where the dog (Nipper) and record player are sitting on the master's coffin. Someone helpfully suggested that might be perceived by some potential record player buyers as a tad morbid. I remember "Bonanza" was on for like fifteen years maybe, and Ben Cartwright wore the same outfit every episode. That show must've spent all the wardrobe budget on hats or something. I remember Force = Mass x Acceleration...now how did THAT get in here?

But no, I don't recall ever having heard someone say, "Yeah, I volunteer at the battered womens' shelter, cause everybody does it." For some odd reason, "everybody does it" hardly ever gets attached to a laudable activity.

It's a delightful phrase, highly useful. Honestly false too, cause we know every human being on the planet is so not doing it, whatever "it" is. It's people maybe not thinking how something might be perceived. Another example of that would be record player ads with coffins I suppose.

I've been intensely researching this phrase (there wasn't a darn thing on TV) and it appears to have originated with Israelites dancing around a golden calf. In these modern times, use of "everybody does it" seems to mostly inhabit two broad categories.

It's used to signify "Lots of people do it and don't get caught." This is a throwback to elementary school, and trip to the Principal's office. It stinks to go, but going alone is even worse. There's that waiting room outside the office, with nothing to look at but that one painting of a duck on the wall. If you look at the duck long enough, I swear, it seems he's looking back at you... OK, admittedly I've zero personal experience with such things, but I heard some big kids talking about it. When one goes to the Principal's office with fellow miscreants, at least they have something to look at besides that creepy duck painting. "Everybody does it" is an attempt, even figuratively, to have some company in the Principal's office waiting room.

It's also used to signify "People I wish to emulate are doing it." Those who would tsk-tsk me and say such behavior ends with adolescence? You're going to have to prove to me that adolescence ever ends in our current culture. So right now in Manhattan, a middle aged woman is telling her friend, "At first we didn't want to get a golden retriever, but then we thought, everybody does it, right?" What she really means is the woman down the hall has a St. Bernard, and her life looks like more fun.

Either way, any time it's used, "everybody does it" seems to be an attempt to justify hare brained activities. Well sure, whatever "it" is, there's probably lots of folks also doing it. After all, if you can find an activity where the more precise, "Lots of people do it" doesn't apply? You might be Jeffrey Dahmer or something. You either draw your code of conduct from your common sense or consensus.

And I still say? You keep a big dog cramped in an apartment all day, then he has to ride down in an elevator 18 floors before he sees a fire hydrant? That dog isn't even going to show up at your funeral.

Trillion Shmillion

That's what I need to do, find some corporate sponsors. Let's see, there must be some group I haven't written derisively about. While I'm thinking, might as well take another whack at this whole "Trillion" issue. After all, I never make numerical errors, I'm quite precise that way.

An alert reader (thanks Chuck!) forwarded me an e-mail explaining a trillion dollars in terms of volume.

First, I have readers AND they're alert? Wow! Third, I've already done my bit for the national dialogue on this topic, months ago. "Gee Wally, that's a lot of money" is more useful than anything Chairman Bernanke's said about the whole mess, after all.

Second, I don't understand why this whole "Trillion" thing is confusing to anybody. There are lots of fun ways to consider large numbers.

Like go outside, and look up at the stars. Personally, I think this is best done after dark. We live in something called the Milky Way. Estimates vary on how many stars are in our galaxy, but 300 Billion is a reasonable guess. So it'd take three Milky Ways (not the delicious candy bar, are you listening Mars company?) to equal one trillion stars. Now go inside; the neighbors already think you're creepy enough without your making it worse.

The only way a person can see a Trillion of anything all in one place is to go look in the mirror. There are ten trillion cells in the human body. Each cell has a function and a lifespan. More individual cells in each person than there are stars in thirty galaxies. And things are really crowded in the large intestine.

Admittedly, a person can't see into his large intestine. While some of us often have our heads positioned perfectly, it's very dark in there. Approximately 100 trillion micro organisms live in the human intestines. These bacteria are very useful, and human babies pick them up via the birth process. Trust me, that's a lot better than what baby elephants have to do... you don't want to know.

So the night sky, stretching end to end, way less than a trillion objects can be seen. The entire Milky Way (which is also the name of a VERY delicious candy bar) contains only a tiny percentage of the busy little units inside a human being. Each and every human being is more complex than a galaxy in many ways.

And I still say, "Gee Wally, that's a lot of money!" And this town the Cleavers lived in, Mayfield? How come no black folks? Where is Mayfield, Newfoundland or something?

Effect and Cause

Yep, it was in the news a while back. Fortieth anniversary of Woodstock. This means Woodstock is now officially too old to attend itself. The generation gap didn't end when Nixon resigned, it's still out there. Nowadays it goes on in a nuanced way. Like punishing children for example.

Couples in their early 30's have a "no spanking" approach. Instead of spanking, it's "time out." The method is similar to professional Hockey, and we all know what good results the NHL gets. So if you throw a lamp at the cat, or vice versa, you must sit in the penalty box and consider the error of your ways.

Comes the weekend, the parents go out for dinner, and they drop the kids off at the grandparents' who proceed to wail the daylights out of the little monsters. You'd think this would confuse children, but they're really quite adaptive. They learn quickly that Mommy = time out and Granny = spank my bottom. It's an efficient system in use all over the country... that means an expert is on hand to muck it all up of course.

Mr. Straus has a study indicating that "Children who get spanked often have lower IQs." The methodology looks sound, but I think he has a predicate problem. Mrs. Beal from my tenth grade English class would make him diagram that sentence again. OK, I'll agree that diagramming sentences is one classroom function with zero applications real world in the. Hey! That'd be cool, if I could get Yoda and Mrs. Beal to diagram each other's sentences. Hilarious would that be young Jedi.

Umm, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, the Straus study. I think he's mistaking cause for effect. The sentence should read, "Children who have lower IQs get spanked often." And to be fair, a lot of spankings get delivered to kids at the higher end of the IQ graph. There are the devious smart children, always testing the enemy adult's patience, and there are the kids who really thought it was OK to give kitty a bath in the toilet. Either way, I'm pro-spanking for kids from walking age to about four.

At that age, they can't be reasoned with. I'd rather try reasoning with a liquored up chimpanzee. A swat on the bottom, when it's deserved, lets a kid knows somebody is the boss, and the boss is watching. That can be a comforting thing, even as lower lips are quivering and tears are flowing. Big enough to smack your butt is big enough to hold you safe when you're afraid. Children need to know there are authority figures present during their formative years. You don't want them schlepping along, blissfully unaware of authority and then bang! Age 15 they run smack dab into Mrs. Beal. You know what that's gonna look like? Spending blackboard lots of time at the, that's what!