Mealy mouthed

We don't say it every day but we've all said it at one point. It's another example of expressions commonly used when we have ZERO understanding why we're saying them. And that's totally right. English is an amazingly fluid tongue, quite different from the precise Greek or the martial Latin.

A language says a lot about the people who speak it. Know why Arabic is sparse in syllables? Cause if you keep your mouth open too long, the wind's gonna blow sand in it, that's why.

English is a nutty, idiosyncratic, grasping tongue, perfectly descriptive of the people who speak it. If a word will do service, we don't care what language we get it from. "Hammock" is one of few still known words from the now extinct Carib people. "Pajamas" comes to English via India.

Most of the phrases we English speakers regularly throw at one another? Most come from agriculture, navigation or warfare. That too describes us well.

"Don't look a gift horse in the mouth" that's agriculture.
Words like "ballast" or "rudder" and "anchor" are regularly used by those who've never been on a ship.
"Keep your powder dry" is of course warfare. Comes from a time when your very life might depend on the moisture content in your gunpowder. There was a time when readying a firearm for firing was an arduous task. For instance? West Virginia was largely settled by a curious collection of orphan brothers with the odd talent of being able to re-load muskets while in a dead run, with rather perturbed Indians about 50 feet behind them.

So we all know what "mealy mouthed" means, but why do we have that phrase in our lexicon? Well first, because it's useful. Second, the expression is about five centuries old. It means to hold meal in one's mouth, neither choosing to swallow nor expectorate said contents. It's the 16th century equivalent of one who'll neither defecate nor get off the pot.

William Shakespeare had the exact same understanding of the meaning of "mealy mouthed" as do people today wandering around Wal-Mart with carts full of Chinese made junk.

Martin Luther used "mealy mouthed" in some of his writings. And that's how language can unite across centuries. In some cases, I suppose it's possible the tongue defines the people, I've an open mind. (Hell, there are tumbleweeds blowing through my brain!) Every case I know of though, the people define the tongue. The French had a good head start on English speakers, but English speakers came here to farm. Being from an island nation, English speakers do enjoy ocean voyages. Warfare? History proves the heartfelt desire of all English speakers is to murder other English speakers, but we can work with surrogates! We're flexible!

We're a crazy race. Despite folk currently circumnavigating the globe to apologize for English speakers, I still think the world's a lot better off, in the margins. We're just crazy people with a stupid difficult language and we seldom think of the past, or even the present for that matter. Always pushing on to the future, that's the obsession of English speakers for some reason.

Well, as Kreskin said in opening sequence of "Plan 9" we should all be interested in the future, since that is the place we will live. (Page 138 in Dave's ever expanding unabridged compendium of DUH!) And it's not so bad walking around saying things you have NO idea why you say that stuff, but you know what you mean, and others do too. It's English. The crazy language of a crazy people who've contributed to the world, albeit perhaps reluctantly.

Personally Dave? I think you were rather "mealy mouthed" with this one.

Big Ass Worms!!!

Some might argue a worm doesn't really have an ass, y'know? But these folk are too human-centric in their views of anatomy. Hmmmm, what you got on worms Dave?

A worm says, "Hello beautiful, do you come here often?" The answer is "You idiot, I'm your other end." This is entirely appropriate since worms are hermaphrodites.

"Why bury 'em? Buzzards gotta eat same as worms do."
Outlaw Josey Wales

The early bird gets the worm. This because worms are heavy partiers, and just getting home from Worm Raves around dawn.

Worms drink through their skin. You can get worms to come to the surface in a worm stampede, if you make a noise like a burrowing mole.

Is that it Dave? Seriously, this is the place where your Niagara Falls of absolutely useless knowledge withers to an impotent trickle???

Well, then it's a good thing giant worms in Idaho have finally hit the news, huh? A three foot long albino worm that smells like a Lily and spits when angered, that certainly is pretty weird! And so timely, since I was starting to miss Michael Jackson. (Tsk tsk, too soon Dave!)

There is also this? The giant Gippsland worm lives in Australia, and grows to 10 feet in length. The Lumbricus badensis lives in Germany and only manages a pitiful 2 feet. Now, those pathetic puny worms around here Dave? Every day they eat their weight in dirt. What comes out the other end (Hellllooo beautiful!) is up to 70 percent higher in concentration of Nitrogen, a vital nutrient for plants. Here's another thing? On a healthy piece of land, it's quite likely the combined weight of the worms underneath is greater than that of the livestock, buildings and farm equipment above.

Wow Dave! You've suddenly become a worm expert! Are you some kind of idiot savant? While that statement is certainly half correct, I did what any self-respecting bald hillbilly would do. I readed the Worm Digest.

Yep, there's an entire magazine devoted to worms. Remember that bird that was "Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs"? Put an exponent on it and you got exactly the way some folks feel about worms. They even sell T-shirts, and I'm thinking about getting one, even mindful it could be misconstrued as a statement of my sexual orientation.

But ain't it just all so cool Dave? This world is such an quirky, wonderful place. It stubbornly resists humanity's best efforts to transform it into a smouldering, nitemarish landscape. You got worms longer than a coffee table, and even the little ones are doing amazing things, and you got people who are just crazy for worms. It's been a really fun ride, hasn't it man? Nothing so far has managed to shake your joy in just taking that next breath.

Watering plastic flowers

Yeah that's true all right. If Mr. Rogers and Rod Serling swapped places, both their shows would've been more interesting.

"Hello boys and girls. You're looking at a man, well sure you are."

What were you thinking before that though? Peach cobbler tastes really good, no I mean before that even? Oh yeah! Bedford Falls!!!

Twenty years in business management and I just have to ask, why was the Bailey Building & Loan always in trouble? It's not just that it flatlined with alarming regularity and here's another round of compromises, sacrifices and lowered expectations for old Georgey Porgey. Why is that exactly? Even in the best of times it wasn't a profitable biz.

Maybe cause it was a dumb idea, under capitalized in a town too small to sustain it? I dunno, not my project really. But this I know in the place where I live.

Hey George? Listen to me? We're spirit kin, you and I. Put on your big boy pants and start thinking about accepting? Maybe this is the time when you can finally see, this running around the forest, pushing with all your might against trees that want to fall? It's silly and pathetic.

The Building & Loan doesn't love you George, it never did. I don't blame the B&L cause it told you best it could. Don't invest your hope in me. I want to fall down. Go find yourself somebody who wants to stand up?

George? Do we have the guts to change our action, and let what ever wants to fall down just do so? Are you scared George? Cause I know I sure am. I reject the notion now and forever that it is my job to keep every dead tree in the forest from obeying gravity.

You got maybe just one watering can in this life? Will you use it on plastic flowers, and so prove what everybody already knows, that you're pretty much a walking dumbass with an exponent? Or will you find the courage to let every thing that wants to fall just fall, and give yourself unashamed to those who really want you?

I'm betting you'll find a way to screw it up George. It's all yours dude!

787 Billion Dollars

As Beaver would say, "Gee Wally, that's a lot!" And that's about all anyone can say about the "stimulus" package and expect nearly universal agreement. Or is it?

Sources vary on exactly how much has been spent so far, and some percent disagreement is bound to happen with numbers so large. Somewhere around $100B. It wasn't widely assumed among the American people that things would move this slowly. The bill was written and passed with a heightened sense of urgency. "Shovel ready" was the phrase that pays. I think everybody can agree on that.

And how about this? Being kind to the new guy as is my wont, I'll take WH predictions of how many jobs created or "saved" by the end of the summer, while holding "stimulus" expenditures at $100B. That's darned nice of you Dave. So that's $167K spent for each job. Gee Wally... I think everybody can agree on that.

Those three starving orphans of general consensus should be heeded as we watch a very old drama unfold. No smart general ever attacks in force without first sending out scouting parties. So Paul Krugman, Nobel winning economist and powerful Obama ally, who just happens to write for NY Times, he's now talking about a second "stimulus" package. Joe Biden on TV this weekend (and I dig Joe, for reasons he wouldn't find the least bit flattering. Dinner with him and the guy who trains pigeons to be art critics, WOW that'd be cool!) was dutifully playing "good cop" and expertly exploiting his rep as loose cannon, but he was putting out feelers. Laura Tyson half the world away at economic summit plays "bad cop" and calls for second "stimulus" package.

OK, I'll take off my tinfoil hat now in the spirit of being kind to the new guy. They ain't gonna get another "stimulus" bill. They will rue the day they go any farther than these trial balloons. And that's another thing? I've watched "Law & Order" bunches and I'm pretty sure they don't allow balloons in court. There'll be no second "stimulus" package. It will galvanize the opposition and finally provide one focal point. A second "stimulus" package request will further awaken the common sense in tens of millions of Americans who've raised kids. Don't ask for dessert until you've eaten what's on your plate. Most parents have said this so often it's in our DNA now.

Bird's eye view

That was always so annyoing about Mr. Spock. Everything was "fascinating" with him. Scotty's in the engine room yelling about Di-lithium crystals, the Starship's fixing to crash into some planet and Spock says it's fascinating.

Go through an ion storm, wind up in a parallel universe, and it's fascinating. You'd think a guy that smart could manage "Well this sucks!" every now and then? Still, sometimes "fascinating" is the only word that fits.

I'm not the least perturbed that researchers in Japan have taught pigeons to be art critics. This because:
A.) My tax dollars probably weren't involved (for once!)
2.) Already knew pigeons like art, mostly sculpture I thought.

But yeah they did it. Pigeons have been taught now to distinguish between poor and good painting techniques, and also identify whether a painting is watercolor or oil. Now me, I say nothing of the sort actually. Pigeons have been taught to peck at paintings correctly and get snacks is all.

To be kind, the research is about finding pigeons are able to discern shapes, color patterns and two dimensional textures, every bit as well as humans do. Professor Watanabe (shouldn't he be trying to destroy Mothra or something?) said, "This research gives valuable insight to the way a pigeon's brain works."

Now right here Mr. Spock, is where it is entirely appropriate. The situation fairly screams for it! Fascinating.

Much as I respect that pigeon brain mechanics are a vital concern to everybody I know, the research provides valuable insight to how human brains work.

How in the world did anybody come up with that grant request? And what proposed research got rejected? Did they originally want to teach pigs to fly an F-15 and pigeon art critics was the fallback position? Where Professor Watanabe lives, this is the crossroads of all that is best & worst about our species! We can think up some whacky shit to do!

Sure, I don't like the idea of pigeons wearing little berets and having loud arguments in coffee houses about whether Monet was a genius, hey who would? But I like Professor Watanabe! I find him, well, fascinating.

Awesome Billboard!

Right near the corner of Brooks and Democrat Road, can't miss it. And there he is, giant black man leering down at me. But what does it mean, "Works Every Time"? I presume money was spent in hopes of increasing sales of Colt 45, so what the HELL is that supposed to mean anyway?

Could it be lately there's been a trend where some alcoholic beverages fail to deliver a buzz, and the billboard wishes to assure loyal customers that Colt 45 remains consistently the best value for their inebriation dollar?

Could it be the advertisement itself "Works Every Time"? That somehow the mere sight of Billy Dee Williams arouses among a sizeable percentage of the population an overpowering thirst that can only be quenched by Colt 45?

Well, there's a beautiful young woman in the picture. Perhaps "Works Every Time" means to imply Colt 45 is an indispensable aid in removing female undergarments. That's a spurious claim. Might work every time for Billy Dee, but I foresee widespread disappointment for those of us who aren't Billy Dee Williams.

And that's another thing? What is the process explaining the enduring celebrity of Billy Dee Williams? Half the people driving past that billboard weren't even born the last time Billy had a starring role in anything! There are some people who reach a point where they've filled a niche, then they just go around being themselves. I guess Billy Dee is the black Hugh Hefner or something. Do we really need TWO of those? And if so, why don't we have a white George Hamilton?

Hey, I could do that! I'm not shy or proud. I'd work tirelessly to be famous for not having a suntan. Wonder where you go to apply for a job like that. Hmmm, I'll check that out later. Right now I have an unexplainable hankering for a delicious Colt 45.

Ideals and Interests

You're crazy for even trying. Often what we know deepest is hardest to express. But all this hand wringing about the internal politics of Iran, or now Honduras? And nobody ever says anything truly informative.

America is the first ever bi-polar nation. And we remain more intensely so than any of our many imitators. Everything we do is measured against the standards of interest and ideal. This is a relatively new thing in human history.

Every nation has always had interests. War happens when diplomacy, trickery, blackmail and bribery have failed to resolve conflicts among nations' interests in a tolerable way. A nation without interests has no logical reason for existence. In that way, the US is exactly like every other nation.

Our founders introduced to the world, the concept that a nation could also be motivated by ideals, both domestically and in foreign policy. They expanded on the writings of Adam Smith and John Locke, then took words from the inert page into the messy business of governing.

As such, our interests have often conflicted with our ideals. Almost always, ideals have lost the early battles. It was, "John Locke's ghost, sit down & shut up, cause we gotta march those Cherokees across the river, OK?" At some point though, we return to have our actions judged against our ideals.

A cynic would observe how convenient, this cycle of action followed by remorse. There's a lot more going on. For one thing, we actually learn and progress by acknowledging our past lapses. More importantly? See this nation as a vehicle for its ideals. First and foremost, the nation must survive. We can regret Japanese-Americans in camps AFTER we win the war.

A nation that will temporarily set aside its ideals is still far better than a nation with no ideals. Before this crazy experiment started, no nations had ideals. Now all of Europe and some of Asia proceed with the assumption that each human being has certain inalienable rights. That's in part due to imitation of good ol' bi-polar America, but also a side effect of the earthly ministry of Christ.

In the end though, this nation still has interests. The President isn't supposed to think so much about the plight of jailed protesters in Tehran, but how to leverage instability in Iran to advance American interests.